I’m what you might call a night owl. I tend to live by the ‘party all night, sleep all day’ philosophy. Well actually, it’s more of a ‘Netflix all night, half-heartedly pretend I’m not tired all day’ kind of thing, but the outcome is the same, my reality is just considerably less exciting.
I’ve always been one of those late-to-sleep, late-to-rise, kind of people, because, come night-time, there’s just always something better to do than sleep. Why sleep when there’s a book half-read on my dresser and clock that lights-up when you press the face next to it?
Yeah, that’s how I used to read after lights-out. A torch was too bright, so I used my clock. #resourceful, amirite?
But back on topic, why sleep when there’s a series half-watched on my Netflix and headphones to be worn? Or a chapter of my novel to be written, or a social-media feed to scroll through, or music to listen to, or a day’s worth of conversations and interactions to be agonised over, or a fight to cry about, or a friend to worry about, or a family member to tell myself is in the wrong?
Why sleep when I could not?
I mean, I could do all these things during the day, but there’s always something better than that to do in the day! A cake to be made, a conversation to be had, homework to be done, a game to be played, a run to be gone on, a piano piece to be perfected!
Wow, I make myself sound so productive.
Point is, I’m always doing something, even if it’s just watching T.V. I need something that keeps my mind and my eyes busy, otherwise I start to think about things that I really don’t want to think about. [See afore-mentioned conversations and interactions, fights, friends, and family-members.]
I can’t actually deal with audio-books, because they leave my eyes and hands with nothing to do, so I wind up playing those dumb puzzle games on my phone while I listen, and eventually I get distracted by a hard level and find that I’ve missed an entire chapter. If I ever want to sit and properly listen to music, I have to have the lyrics there, too. If a YouTuber doesn’t put the lyrics to their original song in the description, then I’ll click off in about a minute. I can’t deal with not having something to do with my body, it just bores me beyond belief, and I wind up thinking, and thinking is never good, for me. I can think myself into oblivion.
More on that later. Another post, perhaps.
But that’s just the way, with me. I’m a fidgeter, and a thinker, and an easily-distracted-er, and so when it comes to night-time, I can hardly be expected to sleep.
But even when I’m tired, I struggle to fall asleep. I can’t make my mind stop working, make the cogs stop turning, because they just love to be active. Or perhaps it’s just that they hate being inactive.
I’ve always found it difficult to get to sleep, since I was about 7 and old enough to understand the whole sleep-concept. Although, admittedly, there’s a strong chance that’s because I screwed my sleep cycle up the day I discovered Harry Potter.
But, in all seriousness, whenever I try and clear my mind and do the whole ‘zen’ thing, I get distracted by another thought before I’ve even begun. As strong as my faith is, too, I can’t pray unless I’m sat with my eyes shut in an empty room, with worship music playing, because I’m so easily distracted. This, too, is one of the things that keeps me from getting to sleep. God. But you can’t blame God, ‘cause he’s God, and besides, that fault is mine anyway.
But I honestly just can’t stop my mind from acting! It just doesn’t work! Nothing makes my head slow down, and occupies my eyes so I’m not glancing all around the place, and means I have to control my body so I’m not pacing or fidgeting like some kind of freak.
Even as I write this, on about 4 hours of sleep because I’m nearing the end of a 3-season show I’ve been watching and it was more important than energy for my lessons today, my mind is drifting. I wish I was doing something else, not because I don’t want to write, but because there’s so much stuff that I wanna do! There’s so much to experience, so much to discover and find out! Why sit behind my desk in my room writing when I could pull on my wellies and a coat and go for a photography walk with my brother’s camera? But why do that when I could be learning how to paint? But why do that when I could be discovering the world around me? But why do that when I could be discovering the world that isn’t around me, when I could get on a plane and fly to the other side of the world and fight off some baboons like my parents did when they went to Hong Kong the year they got married?
(Great story. Makes me laugh everytime.)
Point is, my efforts to live in the moment, to make the most of each second and be doing the most worth-while thing with every minute of every day, mean that I never do quite live in the moment. I always think of something even more live-in-the-moment-y that I could be doing, and wind up forgetting to actually do the live-in-the-moment thing.
Because, let’s be honest, there’s always going to be something better we could be doing with each moment, something that’d look, to the outsider, even better, even cooler, even more productive and adventurous. Something which would make us feel more fulfilled.
And my issue, my biggest issue, I think, is striving for fulfilment. It’s as if I think I’m not fulfilled, and yet I am, to an unbelievable extent, because I have God in my life, and that is all the fulfilment I need.
But even if you don’t feel fulfilled in the way I know I am, or if you struggle with being fulfilled in the way I am, then it’s important to remember that living in the moment means nothing, and striving for ultimate fulfilment with every action means nothing, if you don’t love the moment, simply for existing, and love the action, simple for being.
Instead of ‘living in the moment’, it’s best to make the most of where each moment has taken you, and live in that specific one, instead of trying to make it better.
This was basically a PSA [public service announcement], but where the ‘P’ means private, not public, because it’s more of a way for me to work through my issues with myself than a meaningful post or message that I wish to share with the world.
It wasn’t even a story, and that’s the premise of this entire blog, dammit.
Ah well. This was short, and a bit of a mess, and if it wasn’t already over-due I’d rewrite it, but I’m gonna try and make the most of my moments, from now on, and that involves sleeping when it’s time to sleep, and, having left it for a day since I told you about that 4 hours sleep I got, it’s midnight, and time to sleep.
Sorry about the slightly scatty, and frankly rushed post, but have a lovely week, and don’t die before you come back.
Lots of love, an in-the-moment Mima xoxo